Looking Back Before We Leap into Parenthood

Over the past couple of days, both Mike & I have gone back and read this site from start to finish. I am so glad that we decided to record our thoughts and experiences here. There are little details that I'd forgotten about and emotions that I wrote about that I could have accidentally not remembered without writing them here. Anyway, reading back through this has caused a lot of thoughts to run through my mind, so I thought I'd share...

First, I'm in awe that we could leave our house today as we head out to my doctor's appointment and the next time we enter it, have a baby with us. Wow. I don't want to get too far ahead of us, but this is a real possibility. We're about to become parents. No matter what challenges we face as we raise this child, and I'm well aware that its going to be a whole new world, we will always be thankful for being able to enter into it. I'm sure this is a feeling that all "about-to-be-parents" experience.

I'm really glad we did a ton of research and put a lot of time into finding what we affectionately call "Team Stork." From finding the right donor agency to guide us into the donor egg IVF process to choosing the right specialist to do the IVF procedure and then transferring our care to an OB/GYN in Cleveland that we couldn't be more comfortable with...making the right choices has been a crucial part of this journey. Ann, Dr Hoffmann, Lisa, Bethany, & Dr Peskin...they have really made all of this possible and the whole process, although intense at times, very managable. Little did we know that our medical situation would take us back to Cincinnati! From start to finish, we couldn't have picked a better team.

Any tiny concern I may have had at early in the planning of this process about my ability to bond with a child who's DNA is not my exact own is gone. Eggs don't make you a mom. And eggs alone wouldn't create or grow a child in utero either. When combined with other crucial components, they offer the opportunity to enter into parenthood. Its what you do from there that determines the kind of parent that you become. The sense of connection I feel, even before meeting Little B, is stronger than I ever could have imagined.

Sometimes certain situations, both happy and trying, present themselves that allow you to see the true intensity of your partnership with another person. This happened to us in May of 2002 with the ovarian tumors we encountered. That was a bit of a scary time, but looking back at it, I choose to remember it fron another perspective. It brought Mike & I together in a way that still marvels me. Just like any other relationship, there's no such thing as perfect, but there are amazing relationships-- and that's what I feel we've created. We had a road to choose: We could be devastated because my DNA wouldn't be carried on in a typical way, making our road to parenthood a little longer and possibly a bit more complicated than we would have liked. Or, we could be hopeful that medical advnaces would allow us to become parents in our own way. We choose hope, and really, never looked back. Mike's strength then to stand by me, hold me up when I needed it, and encourage me to look at our situation optimistically is one of the things I love most about him. Behind the laid-back, happy, fun-loving, sports fanatic friend that he is to many, he's also an amazing pillar of strength and maturity.

The fact of the matter is that every couple, every team, every person will go through tough times in their life. We all have our own trials that require us to find strength and courage within ourselves to allow us to perservere. I personally feel that its much easier to persererve with a little positivity on your side than without. And, a lot of our ability to be positive comes from within us as well as from the people we allow to be close to us, in good times and bad. No matter how hard it may feel to call upon hope during a hard time, it can be found just about anywhere if you seek it out. Now, we're about to embark in another encounter, a very happy one, that will help us grow even more as a team.

I barely remember the shots and any minorly unpleasant procedures that used to freak me out. In fact, when I was on a cleaning/nesting spree, I threw out some of the extra supplies from the early parts of this process. I looked at them and actually smiled. Afterall, even if I wasn't particularly fond of them initially, they kinda got us here.

I'm so glad that we were open about all of this. From the very beginning, 6+ years ago, we didn't hide this from those close to us. Instead, we embraced the support of family and close friends. I can't explain the power and supportive foundation that emerged from this. We really need to thank everyone....from our parents & siblings, to our extended families, to our close friends - we're so lucky to have you in our lives.

We're proud of how we got here. From working hard in our careers so we could save for this, to being emotionally prepared to welcome Little B into our world. We're planning on having this website printed out as a keepsake for Little B and for us. At the right time, we will go through it with him or her to explain how they came to be. A big part of me really looks forward to the day we do this. No matter how the conversation goes, Little B will know that they are an amazing gift and have been surrounded by many wonderful people, even before they arrived. There is also a wonderful children's book, called "Butterflies & Magical Wings" by Amy Margolis, that we've read and have purchased for Little B. It explains the "gifts" (butterfly spots) that individuals can give eachother to help create new life (a new butterfly with magical wings that aren't neccessarily identical with their parent's spots, but just as beautiful). Its a nice way to explain the gift of IVF to a child without getting into the medical aspects that might be hard to understand. It focuses on the love, hope and "can do" attitude behind all of it. This story is not just good for kids-- adults can learn from it and be grounded by it too.

Okay, I've managed to get all these thoughts on paper...so now its time to try to nap. Hoping to meet this little one today or tomorrow (Or Gurdy/Gertrude it is.... Kidding)

p.s...As I finished up writing this, no joke, two deer came walking up in our backyard...the little winter wonderland I wrote about yesterday :). They just kind of hung around, but all I saw while looking out the big windows in the back of our house the two of them. As I watched them for a bit and as they moved about our property, a smaller, younger deer appeared behind them. Kinda cool. Hmmm....