The Donor Catalog

Yes, there is a donor catalog--- well, sort of. Once we chose to work with RAI and paid our deposit, they allowed us to read donor profiles saved online. We sent them some photos of me so they could get a feel for the "masterpiece" (ha, I like to flatter myself) that we are trying to somewhat recreate. Then, as donors were added into their agency they would email us.

Through the website, we were able to see a bunch of information submitted by the donor and verified by the agency. In addition to their physical characteristics, we could see their backgrounds, information about relatives, illnesses that have occured in their family, educational info for the donor and parents. We were even able to learn about their childhood memories and future aspirations. SAT/ACT scores, current college education, high school activities--- its all there----along with 1-2 photos.

There's a lot of info for us to peruse. So, now we go shopping in the catalog. Seriously, I have to say that this team at Reproductive Assistance Inc is amazing. We spent a lot of time looking to find an agency that was this thorough and this helpful. We got very lucky. If you know of someone who is in a boat similiar to ours, you might want to suggest they contact them. Its the best thing we did to date. www.reproassistinc.com Lisa & Bethany are the best :)

In Search of.....ME?

Just how do you pick the female representative who's DNA is going to be donated to create your embryos? Its like trying to pick myself out of a catalog. Not an easy task. Oh, and did I mention that there's no "rule book." Let me mention yet again that I am well aware of the fact that there's not gonna be a perfect match. I'll chalk this up to the fact that I'm one of a kind, so how could we possibly find a "duplicate me?" Oh, that's right-- we can't. And that's okay. We aren't trying to fool ourselves.

As we walk through this entire process, all we are seeking is a healthy baby. Period. That's all we want. But to seek such a miracle, we have to start by making a choice.

Our donor agency, "Team Stork," said that there's no perfect way to do this. Some couples look to match up a couple of characteristics and are rather low key about it. Although our agency provides us photos through a secure, password protected website, some couples don't even go that far. And then the pendulum swings all the way to the other end...and pretty much these couples want to find the wife's long lost identical twin.

We have chosen to be in the middle. We're going to look for "similiarities," not exact matches, but resemblence to me. We'll take a look at ethnic background, facial features, height & weight, skin tones, hair color, proof of intelligence (i.e. SAT scores/GPS) and healthy medical screen (which may be the most important factor.

Lets see where the search takes us...

They will have my heart.

The decision to choose a donor to help us have a family was a very personal one. We initially choese this option over adoption as the right first step for us. If, after a few tries, this doesn't work out for us, we will look towards adoption. But for now, we'd like at least some of our genetic features (from Mike) to be passed along in our family.

We've been very open about our decision. Even before we found the donor agency or the clinic, we told people of our plans...this was 5 years ago when people didn't know what to say after they learned that my ovaries were no more. It was our way of keeping ourselves (and those close to us who also felt a little sense of loss) hopeful & encouraged.

Here's our logic....they may not have my eyes, my ears, my nose, or my mouth, but they will have my heart. I 100% believe that. It will be my body that nurtures them. I will deliver them. My name will be on the birth certificate as "mother." I truly hope that they do pick up a lot of Mike's characteristics....as he's a great person with excellent genes (I may be partial as his wife, but still, he's great). There's nothing more that I'd like to say than "He/She looks like her daddy" if/when we get to that point.

Mike and I had one of the most amazing conversations right after my surgery about the exact thoughts I've outlined above. Its what he said to me "They may not look like you, but they'll have your heart and they'll BE like you. And that's all that matters. I don't want to have kids with anyone other than you and if this is our option, we jump at it together." It kinda took all the pressure off of me and my scenario. And we started saving so we could do this outright without having to take a loan. Talk about building a "nest egg"....HA! Seriously though, I remember that conversation like it happened yesterday. It gives me such strength and hopefulness as we enter into this process.

I'm sure its very difficult for women to make the choice to use a donor. But for us it was rather easy becuase our situation was so black and white. We had a problem starting a family the conventional way, so we solved it with a plan that we both embraced. So, they'll have my heart and that's all that matters to me.

Initial Choices

While we were deciding "to blog or not to blog" a lot of things happened. So, now, its catch up time..and I'm starting with the initial choices we made-- finding "Team Stork"

INITAL CHOICES: After a long amount of planning and saving and researching and talking with eachother and preparing and researching more, we physically started looking for the best clinic we could find and a very competent donor agency.

We saught out advice from my doctors, including Dr Lum, the amazing OB/GYN from Cincinnati who actually did my surgery 5 yrs ago, on how we should select a clinic. In doing so, we learned that one of the best resources for couples considering IVF. Its http://www.sart.org/, the assocation that maintains standards for fertility centers. This website actually lists the Live Birth Statistics for clinics nationwide, broken out by recipient age and donor egg IVF. It an amazing, unbiased resource.

The irony of all ironies is that the clinic with consistently the highest stats for Donor Egg IVF (DE-IVF) was in Cincinnati where we used to live. Even more ironic, is that one of the most organized donor agencies in the area, as well as the one we felt most comfortable working with--was also is Cincy. Although Cincy is about 3 1/2 hours away, we decided to base our treatment there because we wanted to work with the team that could give us the best chances of starting a family. We also have ties to the city-- and family in Columbus & Dayton to visit along the way. So, we chose our team: Our donor agency is Reproductive Assistance Inc, founded by a wonderful woman who's actually been in our shoes. We also chose to work with Dr Hofmann's & his team at Bethesda Center for Reproductive Health.

OUR FIRST APPOINTMENTS IN CINCY: Once deciding on "Team Stork," we set off to meet them, ask a bunch of questions, get screened, and get educated on what this IVF is all about. We had a full day of appointments / orientation / testing at Bethesda. Literally we were there from 9:30a-4p and we learned a lot.

We met Ann, who is the Donor Egg Coordinator and will be my patient liason at Bethesda. She's wonderful. She let us know what the day of appts would entail...We also went through a psychological screen and a full gammet of tests. After the tests, we were able to meet with Dr Hofmann, who explained the entire process. I love the fact that he laid out the whole program from start to finish.

After reviewing my records, they decided to do some extra tests, just to be sure that nothing else was going on. They kept joking about how young we are compared to the rest of the patients they see--it lightens the mood, which is a good thing. Usually, couples who choose to do IVF, especially DE-IVF, do so as a last effort. Unlike us, who are going striaght for the big kahuna of fertility treatments. One of the reasons Bethesda has success rates much higher than the national average is because they are particular in who they allow to go through IVF. They thoroughly screen both donors and recipients to make sure both are "very able to do their part." They want to be sure that the investment we're making and the resources we're all contributing have the best chance of yeilding a positive result. I like that approach... a lot.

Then, we met with the embyologist and learned about the lab and how they grow the embryos. That was really cool, complete with photos. Bethesda actually fertilizes the eggs and then lets the embryos grow in their lab for 6 days, so that they can see how the little guys are dividing into multiple cells. Only the healthiest of embryos are implanted, which occurs on Day 6, when they are technically "blastocysts."

We also learned about our treatment plan, which would include a test cycle. They wanted to be sure that I could handle the meds (i.e. not become a hormonal lunatic), and more importantly, check to make sure my uterus was a good candidate for becoming a "baby home." The test cycle would culminate in a procedure called an 'aquasonography,' where they test the lining for thicness and look for any potential scarring of the uterine wall.

Finally, we learned that the center would be "throwing back 2 embryos" (which is medical-common speak for "inserting 2 embryos"). Its amazing how much technology has improved IVF--the process has evolved so much in the past few years. It used to be commonplace for 3 embryos to be used in each IVF cycle. Now, they are moving towards only throwing back 2. The logic is that singles and twins have the least medical complications. Once you add in Baby #3, you're much more suspeptable to mother and babies having significant health issues. In fact, Bethesda feels as though any pregnancy resulting in more than 2 babies is a bit of a failure. So, sorry Collete, triplets are out of the question for us. I must admit, I'd be happy with any type of family, but I'm a bit relieved that 2 is the max for this attempt--that just seems a bit more managable.

Okay-- that's a lot for one post-- so we'll save the donor selection for another day's thoughts

Determined to change what the "F" stands for in Fertiliy Treatments

I just wanna get ritght to the point. Why are the word "infertility" and the phrase "infertility treatments" so hush hush? I don't understad the implied taboo. Seriously, I'm not glad I'm in the position that I'm in and have to seek the help of a clinic--- but more importantly, I'm not at all ashamed or embarrassed by it. Not one bit.

In fact, just the act of being able to think about getting pregnant is like a mini badge of female honor for me. I'm quite proud of how Mike and I have held up-- and faced our procreation reality together.

Afterall, there are a couple of advantages:

1) We're really close. Yes, the silver lining of what we faced (especially my surgery) was how close we've become. In fact, Mike has been very careful in not letting us get into a "woe is me" status. We often talk about how every couple has their own hardships to deal with. This is ours, but we're no better or worse off than any other couple.

2) We've planned for this possible pregnancy. Maybe even overplanned (just a little?). We've been saving for years. Every month, we set aside money towards a savings account to py for our IVF and donor fees outright.

3) We'll been through a bunch of tests-- and know that we are in perfect health. We've passed pyscological evaluations, medical screens, and have tested negative for just about every disease a person could have. Accept for the minor fact that I no longer have any ovaries, we're completely set. We may have paid for it, but have gotten a really clean bill of health.

4) We get to work with some of the best specialists the country has to offer-- and will be closely watched both before and after our IVF transfer.
(and circled twice)

5) There will be no guessing on our conception date-- and therefore, no guessing on our possible due date. Ha! We have that day triple starred on our calendar

6) There are a bunch of well-wishers who are rooting for us in ways we don't even realize. We never kept any details of my surgery away from close family and friends. There are no secrets. Instead, there are only close supporters who are sending hopeful thought our way. That's a lot of relief. So glad we were open then, as its allowed others to be somewhat connected to what we've been planning in terms of starting a family.

This leads me to the title of this post. Couples should invite people to rally around them when they face infertility--- not be fearful or borderline humiliated by having to undergo fertility treatments. I'm here to say that you aren't alone--- and you won't feel alone if you let others in. That's all. Its just my little opinion. I just wish that others could feel the support we feel as we take these first steps towards IVF.

Some people associate the "F" in fertility with frustration. We're determined to make that "F" stand for as much "FUN" as we can have while experiencing it. We're going to keep our spirits realistically positve and try to find some fun in every milestone of the process.

To Blog or Not To Blog? Dear Diary....

I was going back and forth on whether or not to write a blog (even a private one) that chronicled this experience and all the emotions and thoughts it created. What if we did this and it didn't work out? Would it be more devastating to do all this writing about it and have it not work out? At first, I thought "maybe." But then I realized that there were a TON of thoughts running through my head and my feelings needed to find a private stage to be displayed.

So, I came to this revelation: Why shouldn't I write out my thoughts? It could be a really cool journal-- and very theraputic. If this IVF doesn't work out, journal/blog or no journal/blog, its gonna be somewhat devastating. Maybe devastating isn't the right word--- disappointing and sad are probably better choices. Regardless, I've come to the decision that I'm gonna have such feelings either way-- they'll be happy or they'll be sad whether or not I write about them.

I think its a good thing to have an outlet for the thoughts (even the crazy, off the wall ones) that we'll/I'll be experiencing. Writing this way is like venting to yourself--- and maybe a few trusted close confidents--- we'll see about that at a later date.

So, we've chosen "To Blog." Now that we've done that, I need to find away to summarize all that we've already done...new post coming up :)

The Beginning

Well, this is sort of meant to be a chronicle of our pursuit to have a baby. Our stork may not be a typical one, which is why I'd like to have a venue to post the thoughts that pop into my mind, write about the emotions that I encounter, and remember the experience--whatever the result.

Many people cope with what we're facing--- and have to find a different way to get a stork to pay a visit. We've been very open about our situation. About 5 years ago, literally 5 months before we got married, a rather massive, conjoined set of ovarian tumors caused me to have emergency surgery. Luckily, it wasn't ovarian cancer--which was what the doctors feared I was facing. They had to remove both of my ovaries, but I was cancer free. Although it was a bit traumatic, we feel blessed for my health.

It was a scary experience, but also a time when loved ones rallied around me--and that is what I have taken from the whole medical ordeal. I'm lucky to have an amazing support zone. And as for M, he's pretty spectacular. You know you love someone...but then you go through something like what we faced before our wedding, and you know exactly why you love someone so much.

We are both big 'family' people and have always known that we wanted kids. In our case, our 'pursuit of preggers' would just need to be a little different...sans ovaries. Yes-- we would have a non-traditional route towards creating a family. Luckily, I have everything else that a girl needs to have a baby and, using an egg donor, we can get pregnant. So, fast forward 5 years...and now we're walking down this new path.

That's what this blog is all about. We're 'Stork Hopefuls'...hence the name of this crazy collection of thoughts / narration of the process from the trenches. I stress the word HOPE. I'm not ashamed of the situation clinically called "female type infertility." Quite frankly, I'm proud of the way M & I have faced it square on. And we're being both realistic and positive as we try to start a family. We're well aware that this journey is going to be a tough one, having some sad parts and HOPEfully some happy segments too. Welcome to our chronicle of hope in pursuit of preggers.

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,
This is the story of you...and your beautiful journey into our world. We are forever blessed to have you in our lives. Its hard to find the words that fully express how much you mean to us. Saying that you're the best gift we've ever been given isn't enough. You're a genuine blessing.

You came to us in a special way. Yes, you grew in mommy's belly, just like other babies do. However, the first steps in your journey to us were different than the ones many other children take when they come into their parent's lives. Many people helped to bring you into our world and we're forever grateful for the gifts they gave us that allowed you to be ours.

One day, you'll understand every step of your special journey. As you read these pages when you're older, you'll learn about all the wonderful things that happened during your travels to our world.

For now, and for always, know this: We love you very, very much. Just like other children, you are very, very special. You've made our world a wonderful one.

Love,
Mom & Dad